“Hope that you fall in love and that it hurts so bad, the only way you know that you gave it all you have.” – Lyrics from the song I Lived by One Republic, 2013
To the One Who Let Me Go,
When I watched your back as you walked away through hazy eyes, I promised not to cry. When you hadn’t called me for days on end, I promised I wouldn’t miss you and in that unrealistic promise managed to fall into the temptation of texting you or stalking you to see if you were as miserable as I was. When friends told me you were with someone new much earlier than my wounded heart expected, I promised to seek vengeance and looked forward to the day I would be much happier than you. Only to find that I was getting more desperate to escape.
Because I had made you dopamine, my sugar rush, my comfort food, the ultimate source of my happiness, and I was wrong for doing so. It was easier to move on if I pinned all the blame on you but bitterness did nothing but rob me of my joy. I chose to forget all the reasons why I had loved you and how that love had transformed me. My heart got coated by the lie that you owed me for loving you, and for giving myself to you. My heart got coated by lies of insecurity and worthlessness, and my pain shrouded my eyes from seeing the beauty I once saw in you and the beauty that still existed around me. I’m sorry for robbing you of your goodness in my life.
But I’m writing now because I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you for letting me go because when you did, my life went through an unexpected overhaul, and the way I loved changed dramatically. It gave room for me to realize that sometimes things have to be taken away from us in order for us to desire to have the essential.
Swimming in the rock bottom of the ocean of broken hearts showed me the people who would stay with me, the things I could do, the horizons I had yet to discover, what I wanted in the person I would choose to spend the rest of my life with, and more importantly it brought me back to what I was originally designed to be, one that loves. My heart has expanded so much that I can come to this point of thanking you and keeping all that we had in a good place of my heart.
You see, when I was beating myself up for failing you, for failing myself, God found a crack for His mercy to come in. His divine mercy flowing from His also wounded heart, flowed in slowly into my own heart until the walls of that tiny crack could not hold His mercy any more. I’m writing to tell you that the walls have finally caved in, and that I am drowning. But no longer in the lies that have stopped my heart from authentically loving, but now I’m drowning in the mercy that abounds. I have come to the truth that God owes me nothing, and yet He still gives me everything. So I’m giving this to you, my genuine prayer of peace and gratitude because I would have never have come to see who I am today if you had not let me go. I would have never come to the point of loving with all I had, until it hurt, because I knew that loving another was worth it. If you had not let me go, I would have never realized that this once broken human heart becomes capable of the Divine when it loves like Christ did. So with all of me, thank you.
The One You Let Go Made New